Ambivalent Thoughts

Ambivalent Thoughts

By

Heather Lynn Doty

Have you ever felt trapped, like there was no way out? Or like there was a million thoughts racing around your head, and no matter what you do they just get faster piling up till you can't even think strait enough to breath?

Gazing down a bottle of white pills the choice occurred, and the thoughts began once more.

  Would it even matter? How long till anyone noticed? How long till I was forgotten? My Mother would be heart broken. Or maybe relived? Pools of sorrow began to well up in my eyes, burning as though I had been starring into the sun for several hours. 

  Why did my life have to change so much,so fast?One moment I was an innocent child, the next a teenager abandoned by those I loved , and treated like a leper by all that is kind. Why live in an ugly world based on naive ambitions. All life ever gives is empty promises, to empty people.

  Those I once thought great, and admired unraveled there twisted images with every year of my growing age. Others I thought little of I now understood, for they too had been warped by the end less rain of depravity left by the scum we call society.

  Every emotion slid down my throat in the shape of an oval pill.Every spiteful word numbed my body a little more. Walls began to crumble as the earth shook beneath my feet. My breath became shallow, and my pulse ceased. 

  Light began to flood my eyes. I was back. My life suddenly seemed more worth living as the scent of pancakes drifted through the air. 

  "Hurry up foods done!" Mom yelled to show she cared.

Who would have thought all it took was a small gesture of love to wake me from my ambivalent dreams, of nothingness, agony? 

  As I stood up a bottle of pills rolled to the floor. Tossing them out I knew I would not long for them anymore.