INTERNAL CONFLICT

INTERNAL CONFLICT
BY.HEATHER LYNN DOTY

CHAPTER ONE

The Beginning Of The End

PRESENT DAY: The pavement taunted me. Its small squares of concrete absorbed all of my emotions,Shining them back, forcing me to see what I had become. It killed me to look. But I couldn’t stop. Frigid winds ate at my flesh as I stumbled about the rooftop. Ruff cracks formed crocodile like eyes in the cement below luring me closer. Jagged rocks shifted into an insincere grin foaming with hunger. It wanted me to jump. Who could blame it? It rarely gets fed.

My feet teetered on the brink of life and death. It was strange to think how small of an action could have such a major impact. It was even stranger to think how alone one could feel in a town full of people. Pools of sorrow and waves of joy tore at my body in a violent struggle. A hot trickle of numbing sadness dripped down my spine.

The whole world was crumbling beneath me like a dry pastry. I had to decide soon. It was now or never. If I jump I die. If I walk away I think I’ll eat at Denny's for breakfast tomorrow. I like there pancakes.

***

FIFTEEN YEARS EARLYER: Have you ever thought about the first moment you realized you were alive?  I often find myself reflecting on memories such as these: the very first seconds I understood where I was, and what I was.  I arose in a narrow room with an oak bed, and a glass doll hutch filled with expensive figurines.  I knew neither my name nor anything about my past leading up to the present.  I was like a coma patient regaining consciousness whom lost my mind in the process.

I only knew this was my mother’s room.  I didn’t know how I got there, or how I even knew it was hers.  I just did.  I scrunched up my small body and wiggled my way out of bed.  Pressing my soft feet against the fibers of the flowing carpet I reached out and stretched my stiff muscles.  Breathing in air deeply I felt a lively sensation; and I knew it.  I was alive.

Walking down the passageways of my home I couldn’t help but run my palm along the rough white walls.  I instantly knew every twist and turn of that place I called my own; I was a part of it.  A part of this world, I thought, as I rounded a last corner.  Then I saw her.  Sitting In a blue rocking chair.  It was as though every emotion of love and happiness washed over me like a warm shower.  She was my mother, my sole reason of being, my provider and protector, my everything.  At that moment the only thought I could contain through the flood of overwhelming joy was; if there were only one thing on this earth I could remember please god let it be her.

A few faded memories come to mind between that moment and preschool but they are only glimpses. Sadly though, those glimpses were the happiest moments of my existence.  People say change is good; but if change is good, why change?  I don’t know why bad things happen to good people, nor why they have happened to me. All i know is what came of my life was unexpected and unendurable.

FRIEND OR FOE?

  FRIEND OR FOE?

By

Heather Lynn Doty

My friend my friend so slippery.

You shade your malevolence so cautiously.

My friend my friend so insincere.

You whisper deception in my ear.

My friend my friend you played me well. 

You need not fear that I'll tell, I don't need to you'll burn in hell.

A LETTER TO A FRIEND

I would rather have you in my life as a friend than as nothing at all.  I have lost everything, most of all my heart, that which has been clawed by the infection of lies and left to rot.  Loneliness began to gnaw at me, and the thing that hurts the most is I am afraid.  I am afraid to talk to you now where before I couldn't talk to you enough.

 I am afraid to talk to you, because I fear if I do I will lose you completely. But perhaps what I truly fear is confirmation that all my demons are real. The fear that monsters do live in our closets, and some days the bad guys win.  I fear they have won, and you believe their lies, because you no longer believe things can work out for good, and you have lost all child like innocence.  For that, and that alone, I am sorry.

You live in a world of absolutes, and have judged me on the words of others.  But I am not absolute.  So my dreams began to crumble beneath me.  My dreams that some day you will walk through my door, and call to me as you have many times before.  My hope is that you will ask me on a simple ride to Walmart.

Never in my life did I think I would give anything to be asked to Walmart, but here I am willing to give up all that I am for one simple trip with you.  It's not the place that matters, it's the fact that you were with me. It's the fact that you made me feel alive, and happy where no one else could.  It's the fact that you made me laugh, and it is a fact that now I can't even look at Walmart without crying.  Crying because you aren't there.

The saddest thing is I know you will never come back, and I know I have lost my dearest friend. I have lost you through false accusations, and unwanted truths.  I have lost you because you believe in the monsters such as lies and hate. I lost you because you gave up. And so I have been cast aside like a broken toy.  And I am broken. Without your friendship I am missing all the important pieces. They are the pieces that allow me to live and function.

 I promise I will never leave,or give up. I will forever wait and hope this tale will end happily ever after. Whenever you are ready, I will be here waiting to be fixed. Just don't wait too long or you might lose the pieces.    
                       
Sincerely, and Respectfully your true, and loyal friend,
                                                                                                              
Heather Lynn Doty

A Defining Moment

 The dance was 3 hours but in that brief span of life you had made my existence painful and nearly unendurable. I am a person. In that land of preteen hierarchy called High school, I was made the victim by cruel words and your actions.how cruel must one be to do as you did and so many others have:To spread rumors with no foundations in reality; to plant their seeds and reap the withered fruits they produced. To tear me apart with a surgical precision that left me breathless and alone. The perfect jock and joker the magic combination of popularity. I just wanted to have fun and enjoy my sinyor year of high school maybe that was my mistake atchuly thinking you or any of the other bully's might atchuly let me be happy; but im fat and acword the one way course to social-murder. And it was tinder to the fire you and others started. I was a cow, they said ,A fat ass, the blob, fat Albert, a wail something less than human, and a slew of words that would make a sailor blush. For a high schooer, such words are gold, though.  And so, their violent connotations equated to hatred turned against me. It means no one to sit with at lunch, no friends, no partners on class projects - only laughing taunts and unsure, nervous stares. I was made a pariah, the leper of school, exiled to the fringes of social life.I had never, been that depressed in my life.I was already stood up, and you and your friends had to kick me down even more, you humiliated and isolated me. i wished i could just curl up in a ball and die. I am already unable to focus on school work and instead burie myself in art , drawn worlds far away from my own. I constantly have to be buried in  worlds that kept me from crying, from feeling lonely. As long as I am surrounded by drawings , I dont need anything else. I atuchely thought i was pretty that night for once in my life and so more fodder was added to the abuse.But no all you saw in me was 100 pounds more then the average barbie Of course I look awkward and feel worse than that; Iv been suffering for it. My temperament became volatile and angry towards family. They couldn't help me, and I couldn't tell them what was happening. I was too embarrassed. Finally this weekend,my mom took notice of my depression, confronted me. And all I could do was cry, I am broken. I was so relieved that someone said that things were going to change. I didn't need to be afraid of going to school every day.Most likely, you will never know the pain you and others caused me, can’t help but believe that anyone with that sort of knowledge would even start that sort of harassment. But then, I am often wrong. It will take me  me a very long time to feel comfortable around people again. I still feel as if, at any time, strangers could twist my words into something monstrous. I now tend to come off as cold and stand-offish, and up until i found my best friend on accident, making friends was a difficult process it still is but less.I want to surround myself with people who care about me. I understand that humans are capable of major and absolute destruction but i believe they are also capable of wonderful miracles; of kindness and moments of profound beauty.I know that in each person is some sort of goodness.I see how miserable people are when they put others down. There is no real joy in their actions, only more pain; they were torturing that flame of good nature, dousing it in water and drowning. I think that might be you and others alike lonely and hurting. So you wanted someone to comprehend that pain. And I did. And I feel sorry for you. No one should ever have to experience those feelings.I still will have difficulties forgiving those who have hurt and scared me for life.  Time does not heal all wounds it only lessons them. but strangely scars don't have to direct where we go only remind us were we have been. I hope that you some day can feel the same way and finally love and respect yourself.

Sincerely 
Heather Lynn Doty

Opportunity

Opportunity

By

Heather Lynn Doty

There are many things in life I have been disappointed in. But there is no way to turn back the sands of time that slips through our fingers into the inevitable decay we call our future.We must simply cope, move on, and improve.Many have the makings of greatness but they never seize the opportunity.As Thomas A. Edison once said."Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." Others I believe to be afraid to take a chance and dive in to the moment that witch opportunity has provided.Perhaps we shall never know why so many squander their talents for such mediocre rewards, such are lesser dreams. The saddest thing there is in life is the string murdered of dreams, that which plagues our world. Twisting and tourchering all that is worth living for. Dreams glowing like a solar fire, continually smothered to ashes by missed opportunities and fear.I question why? Why fear opportunity? Why fear change? Both will knock at your door whether you like it or not.So why do we fear it? Why not embrace it?  The sooner you say no to these opportunity's of greatness the sooner death will knock at your door. Only to find the sole he has come to collect has been dead long before the body gave way.So please if not for me do it for yourself. The next time you spot an ounce of opportunity grasp it in your hand and hold it to your heart. Do not let these chances at greatness pass you by. The more you Opportunity's leave out there the sooner you will realize they have all been caught like fish leaving none behind for those of us who only dream about casting our lines.

Surprisingly wonderful

Surprisingly wonderful

By

Heather Lynn Doty

It was finally there, after all those years, right in front of him. A pair of eyes identical to those on his own face. How could he have gone all those years with out even knowing? With out even so much as a call? So many birthdays missed. So many years wasted. 

  Who would have expected to here a door bell ring and receive a child? Perhaps the stork was real? All he knew was there was a child and a note.

   "Dear Josh, I never meant to hurt you. I just knew you didn't want to be apart of my life anymore that night you kissed Sarah. I didn't want to obligate you to be with someone you didn't love just because I was pregnant.I wanted you to have a good life, the kind of life I could not have. This is our son Connor. He is five now, his birth day is June sixth. He loves sesame street, ninja turtles, and loony tuns. His favorite foods are pizza, spaghetti, and chicken nuggets. If he can't sleep at night pleas sing to him billy Joel's lullaby. I am sorry to leave so many questions unanswered, and to just drop him off on you like this, but it was the only option I had. I was diagnosed with cancer a year ago and it has progressed so badly that I only have a few weeks left to live. I don't want Connor to see me like this, or to see me pass away. My last wish is that you would love, and provide for him as much as I have thees last six years. I am sorry I never told you, you are a good man and I know you would have been there. Just as I know you will be there now. When hes old enough to understand pleas tell him I did this because I love him. Till then if he asks about where I am pleas tell him I am on vacation.I love Connor with all my heart. And now at my final hour I must admit I love you more than I have ever loved someone.Thank you for giving me Connor. Love eternally your Jacqueline." She didn't understand. Josh had never loved another woman more than he loved her. As for Sarah, he was drunk. Who would have thought a single kiss would have ended in a child he didn't know he had for five years? looking down at the small boy he saw little bits of Jacqueline sown into every bit of him. The way he kicked at the ground because he was nervous,the freckles on his face,and oh god his smile it was hers. This little boy might be a frighting new experience but, Josh thought taking Connor in by the hand, if hes anything like his mother he will be the only other person he could ever love.

A Rock In My Shoe

A Rock In My Shoe

By 

Heather Lynn Doty

There is a rock inside my shoe, and I don't know what to do.

When shooken it doesn't roll, just sticks in deeper in my sole.

Oh how I am blue because the rock stuck in my shoe.

So I ripped out all my laces, seeing specters making faces.

Sadly I did not find the cause of all my pain, searching for its source drove me literally insane.

Unbenounced to me that clever little rock had hitched a little ride to the bottom of my sock.